


A Road Trip To Remember

by SophiexHorayne



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst bc it's my speciality, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Road Trip, and things happen in France n stuff, but i guess there is fluff too, it's about their road trip, obviously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-05-14 12:35:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14769728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: A part of him thinks that inviting Caspar along for the road trip will end badly, but it will be like old times, he thinks too, like the hit the road days, and he knows he misses that era. Besides, what could ever go wrong?





	1. Chapter 1

When Joe finds the invitation from Mercedes, to go on the road trip, in amongst the clutter in his email inbox, he decides _yes_ all too quickly. France and Spain sound all too appealing to him. A couple days away from home may be exactly what he needs. He feels his chest tighten though, when they say to bring a partner along, and the first person he thinks of is Caspar. A part of him thinks that inviting Caspar will end badly, somehow, but it will be like old times, he thinks too, like the hit the road days, and he knows he misses that era. He reflects on the memories fondly like an old man may look back on childhood. And he could not relive such an experience without Caspar, could he?

So it is decided, that he and Caspar will go on the road trip together. Somehow it causes a buzz and a flutter throughout Joe's insides. He ignores it though, decides it is only because he hasn't spent real time with Caspar in a long while, not since hit the road 2, and well, that was almost a year ago now. It happens quickly, and the countdown (and yes he counted down) is only a few days long, and it passes hurriedly. He trusts Byron to keep the apartment up and running, and if he comes back to a bedroom full of toilet paper or a prank in some other form, well maybe he couldn't careless this time. Because he is excited, he is seeing Caspar later, and he is going to be in Germany by the time it is dark UK time. And he's not even been to Germany before today!

He gives Byron a half hearted goodbye, reminding him to keep the plants watered and to keep Mikey away from the sweets cupboard. And then he is gone. Gone to Germany. During the flight his head is like spinning, thinking only that he will say to Caspar when he meets him at the airport. And honestly? He is looking forward to seeing his goofy ex-roommate again, because Caspar has been out enjoying himself in Dubai with Jack the past few days and he's missed him, a teeny, tiny bit.

He doesn't really care to explore Germany at all when he lands, is thinking only of Caspar. He spots Caspar in the airport before he can press send on the text to him, and he is filled with a strange euphoria that makes him giddy and strangely soft when he sees him across the building. Dropping his luggage he finds himself running towards him, lunging into Caspar's arms like he has not seen him in years. Caspar giggles, says 'aww buddy' and Joe can feel his chest vibrating against his own as he does so. He laughs a little, embarrassed suddenly, pulling away with flushed cheeks. Everyone near them is watching, mostly fondly, and it makes Joe flush even more. He tugs at his beige hoodie, thinks it is extremely warm in here, suddenly. He turns back and quickly collects his luggage from where it sits abandoned on the floor, goes and asks for his room key, trying to shake the watchful eyes. Caspar doesn't seem to notice the way the everyone had been looking at them, wraps an arm around Joe as they go and find a taxi to take them to the airport. 

They go into the hotel's restaurant to eat dinner later, and they realise they have not barely even filmed anything for their vlogs yet, Caspar had only a little. So Caspar gets out his camera, wraps a arm around Joe. It feels different though, on camera, than it does when they are completely alone and he feigns discomfort until Caspar's camera goes away again. It just feels right, when Caspar finishes the last bit of chicken and potatoes left on his plate, and Caspar wraps an arm loosely around his waist.  They talk in Joe's hotel room until it is late, and Joe tells Caspar he should go back to his own hotel room, even though he doesn't want him to leave, wants to talk to him forever and ever. But Caspar does go eventually, leaving Joe with a soft smile on his face as he lies under the bed covers.

To the camera, the next morning, he plays the whole event down, like he doesn't know who his partner is going to be and like they hadn't already met up last night. Because what would his viewers say if the first person he thinks of at the words 'road trip' is Caspar and only Caspar? Besides, it's more comical to pretend to be totally clueless. And anyway, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the only one from England doing this' isn't a lie, Caspar is South African, after all.

He makes his way down to the airport a little early, and he knows a part of him is only early just too see Caspar again as soon as possible, but he daren't read too much into it. He is sure he will get to the airport first, but Caspar texts him while he is on the way, saying he is waiting for him. It makes Joe's stomach turn to jelly. He vlogs going to meet up with Caspar, like that will keep him reserved or something, will stop him repeating the incident at the hotel. He pretends to be annoyed, keeping up with the joke that he has no idea Caspar is his partner, pretends to be annoyed about it. 'How do I control alt delete this road trip' he says but really he's wondering _how to control alt delete_ the decision to vlog the trip, wishes, suddenly this could just be between he and Caspar.

When Caspar sees him, Joe sees his whole face light up like the sun has emerged from behind endless clouds and it makes his chest tighten and leaves him almost dizzy. Sometimes he wonders why Caspar always looks at him like that, why Caspar always treats Joe like he would move heaven and earth for him. He is sure Caspar shouldn't do that, but then he should probably tell him that, but he doesn't.

They talk for Joe's vlog, for a while, until Joe accidentally let's slip how a song reminds him of Caspar, and he wonders if he should say that on camera. He turns it off after that, and when he does, Caspar shuffles on his chair, pats the small space made next to him. In most instances, these seats may not be quite big enough for two people, but Joe is small and skinny and he slips easily beside Caspar, space both ends of the seat, but for some reason no gap between them. Their thighs press together and Caspar wraps an arm around him, pulls him ever closer.

"Just you and me buddy." Caspar says, in that soft and happy tone he uses, and Joe can never really explain it, and he saves it only for him. Joe smiles and his stomach feels fluttery, weirdly.

They sit there for a while, and Joe thinks he should ask Caspar about his trip with Jack but he doesn't want to know about the fun Caspar had without him, strangely. He also doesn't want to move Caspar's arms from his shoulder, strangely. After a minute or so of comfortable silence, Caspar moves his arm,

"Hey, have you had breakfast, I bet you haven't, you always skip it, come I'll get you food." Caspar drags Joe to his feet. It is typical, for Caspar to guess Joe skipped breakfast, and it fills Joe with a curious warmth, knowing how Caspar knows these strange little things about him.

Caspar grips Joe's denim jacket, fingers around the material at the small of Joe's back and drags him towards tables near their gate. There are snacks and tit-bit type foods and Joe realises, suddenly, that he is definitely hungry. He meets Caspar's soft eyes as he eats and feels his chest tighten again.

They get on the plane, soon, to head to France. Joe glances often at Caspar during the flight (which admittedly isn't very long), and watches as he slowly falls asleep, head uncomfortably pressing against the seat of whoever is in-front. Joe knows that if he were next to him, Caspar would be pressed into his side, head on his shoulder. Joe watches, also, when Caspar wakes up to the pilot's announcement that they are coming into land. And then they are in France.

They take a taxi to the Mercedes centre in which they start the vlog. Joe finds himself smiling all the way, glancing at Caspar every so often, and oddly losing his breath when Caspar glances at him at the same time and their eyes meet and Caspar smiles in the way that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. 

Every other pair they meet at the centre all seem to be couples and Joe wonders, embarrassed suddenly, if he had mis-interpreted the term 'partner' in the email (or maybe it did say plus one, which does have a romantic implication), but all the same he didn't exactly have a proper 'partner' to bring along anyway, had no choice but to settle with Caspar _fucking_ Lee. Still, he knows everyone looks at them and assumes they are a couple. It leaves his cheeks a permanent red and Caspar even asks if he is feeling well or if he is hot and 'Joe maybe you should take off your jacket'. Because really, who wears a hoodie _and_ a jacket in _this_ weather? He insists he is fine, and stammers to Caspar that they should pick a car.

They choose one, and they both vlog it excitedly, and Joe distracts himself with the car and the idea that everything is fine and two friends can totally road trip together and nothing about this is weird. Absolutely nothing.

"Are you sure you're alright, Joe?" Caspar asks as he drives them out the car park. "Your face is still bright red."

Joe has wound down the window since they'd started driving. He feels better now so he nods, "I'm fine, honestly."

"Is it because we're about the only non-couple here?" Caspar's tone is teasing, and somehow it makes Joe think the whole situation is not that bad at all. He says nothing, and it makes Caspar chuckle lightly. "You worry too much about what others think Joe." He glances over at him, eyes soft and calming and it makes Joe's skies clearer. Joe hates how Caspar can read him so _easily_.

"I know." He says, "Sorry."

Caspar shrugs, "It's okay."

Joe puts music on after that, and they sing so loud Joe does not care if the world hears them.

 

 There are a few stops where the whole group gathers, and they all have lunch in the same place and then they are off again. The small France lanes look ancient and romantic, like something out of a story. It seems almost magical, and Joe is glad, maybe too glad, that he spends it with Caspar, finds his stomach flipping over when he smiles at him. When they reach the place they are to stay over night, Joe can almost not believe his eyes.

"Caspar, we're sleeping in a castle!" He says as they pull up into the car-park outside the place, surrounded by large, solid castle walls. It all looks so pretty and sweet and _romantic_ and _fuck_ , Joe thinks, no wonder everyone else on the tour are couples.

"I recognise this." Caspar says as they get out the car. Joe rolls his eyes,

"There is no way you've been here." He tells Caspar.

They are allowed to explore before finding their hotels, and they walk briskly along the drawbridge.

"There's a fair too!"

Joe does believe him, but it is funnier to pretend he doesn't, "I'll neck a whole glass of wine if you're right." He tells him.

There is no fair though, and Caspar decides perhaps it is only there in the summer. Joe rolls his eyes. There are ice cream shops everywhere, though, and a sweet shop and still Caspar insists he has been here before.

"Joe I swear I remember this." He says, tugging at Joe's sleeve because he dawdles and leaves Caspar running ahead, "It's amazing, you'll love it come on." He hurries on ahead to the sweet shop.

It's terribly elegant and magical and oddly nostalgic inside, Caspar looking at each bowl of sweets before going back and grabbing a bag for his favourites.

"What do you want Joe?" Caspar asks after the paper bag is half full and he is grinning widely from ear to ear. Joe shrugs, always so indecisive and uncertain. "I bed you want some fly saucers, right, you love those. He rushes over to one of the bowls, puts in a few, "And some cola bottles, you always say they're your favourite." He adds some of them to the bag too, until it is full, and he goes over to the counter to pay.

Joe knows the woman behind the counter has been watching them, almost fondly, and he wonders if she is a fan.

"Are you enjoying your honeymoon?" She asks in a heavily French accent to Caspar as she keys in the price of the sweets.

"Oh, well we aren't, actually, a couple." Caspar says, voice like mumbling.

"Oh." Her eyes widen, "Sorry, I didn't mean to assume." She says, "But a lot of people do come here on their honeymoons and you looked... I'm sorry, here are your sweets." She pushes the bag hastily over to Caspar, flushing bright red.

Caspar grins, "It's okay. Joe accidentally booked us into a car tour _for_ couples so it's not like we aren't expecting it or anything." He's just trying to make her feel less uncomfortable and guilty, but it just makes Joe feel stupid.

"It's not actually for couples." Joe points out, "Just most of the people on the tour are."

Caspar just grins at him, and thanks the cashier for the sweets. Joe gives her a cheerful goodbye too, but he knows he is forcing it, because he hates how people assume and he hates how a honeymoon with Caspar doesn't sound as daunting and weird as maybe it should be. Neither mention the woman's mistake to each other or in their vlogs, and Joe is relieved about that.

They walk around the rest of the castle, Caspar constantly rushing ahead because Joe is taking the time to vlog and Caspar is eager to see more of the place so familiar. He looks like an excited child, Joe thinks, like someone's lost him at Disney Land and he is searching for his favourite Disney character. Joe can't help but think it is cute, the way Caspar gets so excited and passionate for such things.

When they have finished exploring, they drive to the hotel car park. The hotel looks beautiful and it wouldn't surprise Joe at all if they did weddings and honeymoons here. They collect their keys at reception, and part ways to their rooms. Joe's rooms is okay, but when he looks eagerly at his view, he is disappointed to find a tree and the hotel car park.

It's boring, in his hotel room, and he is thinking about how Caspar promised wine in his hotel room and he is, weirdly, desperate to do that. His room is not far from Caspar's, and he remembers the room number almost better than he remembered his own. Caspar answers with a smile and a 'hey', eyes wide and soft, but he is quiet when he notices Joe is filming, pockets his phone and follows Joe out to his balcony.

Joe comments on how perfect Caspar's view is, how it is so much better than his own. When he puts his phone away, finishes filming, Caspar stands beside him on the balcony.

"I called my mum." He says, "I _have_ been here before. Which means, you have to neck a glass of wine, as you put it."

Joe turns away from the view and over at his friend. "No I said I'd 'neck a glass of wine' if there was a fair."

"Well mum says there was a fair when we came. Technically I was right." Then he disappears, returns with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

Joe watches as he pours wine in both glasses, hands one to Joe. "You don't have to down it." He tells him. But Joe is not one to back down from a challenge and they both know that. So Joe downs it like it is a sport to do so, and Caspar refills his glass immediately.

They stand beside each other, slowly sipping wine, talking occasionally, about how beautiful France is, and about how confused their fans are over their instagram stories. The next couple of hours pass in a weird blur and soon they are sitting on the balcony floor, giggling over unfunny memories and unfunny jokes as the sun begins to set in deep oranges and pinks across the horizon, and Caspar is pouring out the last parts of the bottle into both their glasses.

Joe doesn't often have wine, so all that he has drunk has made him a little, ever so slightly tipsy, making him find the way Caspar sits down with the second bottle of wine exceedingly hilarious. Caspar laughs too, sloppily pours more into their glasses. Joe's world is ever so hazy around the edges, his vision a little fuzzy at the edges, his reactions and decision making slightly less aware and less refined as they would be usually. Now that Caspar is sat back down, their knees are touching, but Joe doesn't mind, it makes him feel warm and a little weak at the knees.

"Joe look, an aeroplane!" Caspar says, standing suddenly, steadying himself against the balcony railings and looking up at the ever dimming sky as the plane passes. Careful to avoid the glasses by their feet, Joe gets up too, stands close to Caspar, maybe close on purpose, for some reason, as he looks up too. As he looks up their chins touch, and _oh_ he did not mean to end up _that_ close to Caspar, did he?

When the plane has passed, he looks back down at the same time as Caspar. They are so close it makes Joe feel giddy and mushy inside.

"I'm glad you invited me here." Caspar says, "I needed this, everything in my head is wild and messy and not as positive lately." His voice is so soft and warm and touches Joe's lips.

"You're welcome." Joe says, "It's been fun, so far, hasn't it."

Caspar grins, "Even though it's designed for couples." His nose nudges Joe's, for some reason.

"Well it's not like I actually have a-"

"I know." Caspar says.

Their lips are close and Joe realises he doesn't mind that right now.

"You know what's funny?" Caspar says softly, so softly Joe only hears because they are but a centimetre apart. "There's a beautiful view out there but I can't stop looking at you."

It's makes Joe's heart flip, and he is blushing again, so bright red it's actually embarrassing. "Oh." But he can't stop looking away either.

Caspar's fingers tug against Joe's jacket, making their hips touch and their chests bump and maybe if Joe was sober he'd push Caspar off and pretend it never happened but he's had enough wine to lean in against Caspar's touches, enough wine to close his eyes on instinct as Caspar leans his face closer to him. And then they are kissing, slow and soft because that's the way Joe's world feels with the alcohol running through his system.

Joe reaches up on tiptoes to bring them closer together, to make it easier for Caspar's lips to press more deeper against his own. And it feels nice and warm and sweet and he never wants to break apart. But they have to, eventually, when they are all out of air in their lungs. Caspar gasps in air as they pull away, and _god_ Caspar looks completely beautiful when Joe opens his eyes to look at him.

"Do you want to stay in my room tonight?" He asks softly, and Joe can't help but say yes, will just blame it on the drink the next morning.

So they gather up the wine glasses, half full before they down the last of it, and the pick up the empty bottles, and stumble inside. They leave the glasses and the bottles on the dresser, and Caspar turns and pulls Joe back up for another kiss, deeper and harder this time, so much so that Joe's head is spinning and he cannot keep balanced so he stumbles until he falls onto Caspar's bed.

Then the kisses are not longer slow, but quick and desperate and hands wander as though they are animals and clothes are on the floor, besides underwear, and Caspar is pressing him into the mattress and everything around him is warm and rich and fuzzy-like, and Caspar's hands give him sparks and heat and he makes him gasp and squirm beneath him. They only kiss, but when they pull apart their lips are swollen and pink and maybe it is just his vision fucked up by the alcohol but Caspar's eyes are a little blotchy too.

They fall asleep entangled in one another's arms, on top of the covers because it is hot and warm in France and the wine and the kisses have heated them enough to need only one another as heat.

 

When Joe stirs awake the next morning, Caspar is still asleep, but they are intertwined in a way that Joe knows will cause Caspar to awaken if he tried to leave. So he lays there for a while, his stomach feels warm and fluttery, like he is happy and excited and _fucking confused_ all at the same time. He turns around slowly to look at Caspar. He is peaceful as he sleeps, Joe thinks, and it makes his heart beat a little faster.

He remembers last night, the way he leant in, the way Caspar's lips felt and it makes him feel giddy and dazed at the thought. He could pretend that it was the wine and the alcohol that made it all feel like sparks and fireworks and magic, and he could pretend he would have pulled away, if completely sober, and maybe he would pretend that too, if he spoke out loud. But he knows, when he thinks about it, while he watches Caspar stir awake, it was not the wine at all.

As Caspar awakes, they both jump at the sound of Joe's alarm going off. Joe turns, scrabbles around for his phone before he realises that it is in his jeans pocket, which lies on the floor. He feels kind of embarrassed, the reality of what has happened as he scrambles out Caspar's bed sets in all of a sudden and it makes his stomach feel heavy. He reaches his jeans, finds his phone and turns off the alarm.

"What time do we have to be at the meeting point?" Caspar mumbles into the pillow, eyes closed again. His morning voice makes his accent heavier and deeper and it, ridiculously, gives Joe chills he has not even noticed before.

"An hour." Joe mutters. He grabs his hoodie from the floor, puts it on, covering his chest. He glances over to the balcony. The voile in front of the windows is drawn across, but the door is open and so are the curtains. It means Joe can see out, so maybe others can see in. His mind is sort of panicking because _what if someone sees him in Caspar's room_. He hurriedly puts on his trousers too, hates the whole situation.

Caspar rolls over onto his back and opens his eyes. He looks over at Joe.

"Are you going?"

Joe nods shortly. Of course he's leaving. He should have left before the sun went down and now it has come up again and everything is one huge fucking mess. He turns to walk towards the door, hearing Caspar shuffle about in the bed.

"Joe, we're okay, right?" Caspar says quickly, before he can leave.

Joe pauses by the door, looks back at him. Icily he says, "We're fine." He is lying through his teeth though, and they both know it.

 

Joe has a quick shower in his room, to try and clear his head but he stops it short because he is still thinking through last night and thinking about how it might feel if Caspar washed his hair, massaged his scalp with his long fingers, and he wonders how Caspar's lips may feel against his own while they are naked and warm water lashes down on them. He changes his clothes, puts on a grey jumper as he gets a text from Caspar telling him that he is in the hotel's café and has already ordered them both breakfast. Joe doesn't know how to feel then, because it is Caspar making sure Joe is going to eat, but it is also Caspar making sure he talks to Joe before they meet the rest of their group, and it means Joe cannot avoid talking about last night.

He saunters down to the café with his suitcase, so as not to take another trip down there after breakfast, and finds Caspar sitting alone at a table for two, scrolling through his phone, a frown causing lines on his forehead. Joe sits down silently, smiles back when Caspar grins up at him. He gestures down to the hot chocolate on Joe's side of the table.

"I got that for you." Caspar says, " _Chocolat chaud._ " He puts on his best french accent as he says it and Joe can't help but smile, "It's hot chocolate." The blonde clarifies.

Joe nods, "Thank you." He blames the hot chocolate for the warmth in his cheeks.

"I don't want us to be weird, during the trip, because of last night." Caspar tells him after a moment of watching Joe blow his hot chocolate to cool it down, "So if you want to forget then it's okay, so long as we don't stop talking because I don't, I don't want that."

When he looks up at Joe, Joe's chest is tight and heavy and choked because Caspar looks like the _last_ thing he wants to tell Joe is to forget last night. He looks like he could cry. But Joe nods, because he doesn't want to talk about last night and if they do not forget then they have to talk about it, eventually, and it terrifies him.

"Right." Caspar says, and before he can say anything else, a waitor brings them their breakfast, full Englishes.

They eat in silence, and Joe wonders if maybe wanting to forget is the wrong choice to make.

 

Caspar pays for the meal, and Joe doesn't dare to object. And they walk to the morning meet up with Mercedes in silence, turning up a few minutes late, and the first part of the car drive is silent too.

"You said you didn't want us to stop talking." Joe says eventually when one song finishes and the car falls silent for a second.

Caspar sits next to him, watching Joe's hands on the steering wheel, the way they tense a little, knuckles pink. "I don't know what you want me to say, Joe."

"Well you still haven't told me much about your trip to Dubai yet." Joe suggests, knowing now, that maybe he didn't want to hear about it because he was jealous, and that he didn't want to know about Caspar having fun without him and that is fucking stupid, he thinks, and he _should_ ask Caspar about it, because that's what friends do.

So Caspar tells him, and Joe laughs at the parts that are funny and things almost feel normal between them again, when they reach their next stop. They are early there too, so when Caspar nips to the loo, Joe rolls down the seat, testing it's recliner. He probably would have dozed off if he wasn't thinking over and over about the kiss and how he fell asleep last night and how he liked waking up in Caspar's arms, he would have dozed, if he hadn't thought deeply about the whole thing.

When Caspar comes back he laughs at the way Joe's hat is over his face, and he gets out his camera because _shit they haven't even vlogged this morning_. Joe loves hearing Caspar's laugh though, realises he has missed making him laugh so extremely, and it reminds him of the old days in their apartment, when things were easier and there weren't any strange feelings involved. When Caspar lays back beside him Joe can't help but laugh too, and their cheeks ache and their eyes are watering when they finally calm down and Caspar turns off his camera, deciding to keep the ending of that footage to himself. They lie beside one another for a while, smiling softly, and Caspar watches Joe drift into a light sleep.

They wake a while later to one of the tour guides banging on the window. Joe cannot help but flush red because in his sleep and has rolled closer to Caspar, and is lying on his side facing him. Caspar goes out to the toilet again, and Joe gets out and stretches, vlogs a little.

Then they're off again.

 

It's a straight and long drive for the next couple of hours through to Spain. Caspar drifts off to sleep after about half an hour and Joe doesn't like to wake him. It would probably lead to more awkward silences and he doesn't want that either. So he lets Caspar sleep while he drives through passport checks and into Spain. He knows the women checking the passport is smiling fondly a _how sweet, you're letting your boyfriend sleep while you drive all this way_ kind of smile and it makes him feel all kinds of weird and fluttery. He nudges Caspar awake when they get in the queues to enter Spain, complaining how he had to drive by himself for hours.

Caspar feels bad after that, tells Joe he shall drive in Spain to give him a break. For lunch they get to a sort of hotel with the rest of the group. Each pair sit at their own table and as Joe looks around he _knows_ they are all couples and it makes him feel weird and embarrassed because he looks over at Caspar on his phone, and he thinks that really, they are no different. Outside there is a swimming pool, and another spectacular view, and Caspar, standing at the end of the balcony area of the restaurant, smiling and laughing, watching him vlog. Something about that makes Joe's heart turn to jelly, and maybe he knows what that means but he pushes the thought away. After lunch they are back in the car, they sing loudly to the music, in which Joe is charge of, and every time Joe glances over, he can see Caspar smiling, wide and bright, and it fills him with such an unexplainable warmth he has to look away. Joe vlogs some of it, gives a shout-out to Mercedes, thanks them for letting him bring Caspar along as his 'Plus One'. He doesn't really want to mention it, would rather pretend he had no clue Caspar would be here, but the viewers wouldn't buy it anyway.

Joe starts to regret agreeing to let Caspar drive, as they start to drive up a steep hill, onto a road that is, really, only seen in far-fetched movies and over-dramatic car adverts. The road is narrow, and the fences by the edge are small and brittle. There is a steep drop and Joe doesn't like to look at it. He isn't afraid of heights, really, but Caspar is driving and the drop is certain death and he doesn't trust the road that crumbles at the edges below the car wheels.

"I don't feel good." He says while he's vlogging and he isn't joking either.

Caspar must hear the nervous tone in his voice, because he takes a hand off the steering wheel and presses his fingers gently onto Joe's waist, stroking the skin under his jumper as though to relax him. When Joe turns off his camera, Caspar reaches up, and takes his free hand the camera had been holding. He rubs circles on the back of Joe's hand with his thumb, keeping his eyes in the road.

"I'm a good driver, you know that Joe. It's okay." Caspar's tone is so soft that Joe cannot tell if the bubbles in his stomach are nerves from the heights or because of Caspar.

"I know." Joe says quietly, moving his hand away because he feels sort of clammy and Caspar's touch makes him feel all kinds of weird and nervous.

They are quiet for a while, until they turn and head back in land. Joe is vlogging again to help shake the tension from the car, and it helps, and he forgets soon, why he felt giddy in the first place. As he vlogs, the Mercedes van they were following comes to a stop as the road narrows, and a sheer drop appears on Caspar's side of the road instead. They sit there for a while, before one of the guides tap on Caspar's window, telling him they will have to turn around because the cars won't fit on the narrow road, so they should get out and stretch their legs while the cars behind reverse.

Caspar gets out first, goes on ahead because Joe wants to quickly vlog what's happening. Caspar's completely wandered off when Joe gets out the car, and he calls for him as he stumbles up the ever thinning pathway (let's be real it cannot be classed as a road anymore). Caspar appears behind the trees, grinning widely.

"I found the castle!" He says, and if he had a tail, Joe thinks, it would definitely be wagging.

They had seen the castle while they were driving along the thin road with the sheer drop on Joe's side. Joe didn't realise they had got this close, though. He hurries to follow Caspar through the trees, pauses on the thinner path, looks out at the view. He vlogs that too, and when he looks back, Caspar has already disappeared through the castle doors. They joke around for the vlog as Caspar lets him inside, and then he turns it off, peers out the window with bars across.

"Look, there's also an upstairs." Caspar says standing on the steps beside Joe, tugging on his shoulder.

Joe turns from the view out the window, stumbles as he follows (or as he is dragged by) Caspar up the stone steps. Each step echoes around the small building, and the air makes Joe shiver. The upper floor is even smaller and darker, and there is a door one side.

"Joe." Caspar says. His voice has softened like he is nervous. His hand is touching Joe's sleeve.

"Yeah?" Joe's throat feels dry, suddenly, and now he wonders if he had shivered before because the cold or because he is with Caspar, alone and in the dark.

Caspar goes to say something, pauses for a moment, as though changing what he wants to tell him, "Nothing, I'm sorry." He drops his hand, heads towards the door.

"No, what is it?" Joe knows he shouldn't, but he grabs Caspar's wrist and pulls him back. He has been thinking over and over about last night, in France, tipsy and warm, and leaning into Caspar, pressing close to him, being _kissed_ by him, and he doesn't want to talk about it but he cannot bare saying nothing either.

Caspar sighs, steps back closer, his hesitant footsteps echoing through the small castle room. "I don't want us to be weird, but, I can't forget last night Joe." He rests a hand on Joe's elbow, gently, like he is worried he will be pushed away. Joe cannot breathe, let alone move to push Caspar away. "Can I kiss you again?" Caspar asks.

Joe can feel his skin prickle, can feel his heart in his throat, can feel the way his stomach flips in that weird way. For a moment he is paralysed, and then he manages a nod, small and quick, barely noticeable in the darkness. But Caspar notices, and he leans down painfully slowly, as though expecting Joe to change his mind. But he doesn't, instead he stands on tiptoes, bringing them closer.

They pause half way, Caspar hesitating as though thinking Joe will back out, change his mind. And Joe surprises himself when he doesn't move away, it shouldn't be like this, and he has spent years telling himself the fans have got it all wrong but now, with Caspar this close, breath tickling his lips, he just wants Caspar to hurry up and kiss him. After a couple of seconds, Caspar realises Joe is not going to move, is waiting for him, so he moves his head down, finds Joe's lips and meets them with his own in the darkness.  

When their lips touch, Joe's hand that isn't clutching his camera, a little shakily reaches up around Caspar's neck, and his eyes close, and they are _kissing_. Joe knows his heart is in his throat, and he can barely move because Caspar's lips on his has made him lose all of his senses and he doesn't know how to think or do anything. Caspar is still for a moment too, and then he moves his lips, slowly, and Joe follows and they are kissing, kissing, kissing, and Joe's hand tugs at the ends of Caspar's hair and they stumble back a couple steps, shoes scraping on the stone floor.

Out of breath, Joe pulls away, loosens his grip on Caspar's hair, flattens his feet on the floor so his forehead is at the height of Caspar's lips. He opens his eyes slowly, and he doesn't really know what to do. He tries not to think about it, because he still feels the sparks and fireworks and magic, even without the wine and he really hates knowing that.

"Sorry." Caspar says. He drops his hands quickly, noticing Joe's thoughtful frown and nervous wide eyes. He steps away, "We can pretend that didn't happen, yeah? I'll show you outside."

Joe swallows, and he wants to say _no, don't be ridiculous we can't just forget all over again_ but he doesn't. Instead he nods, runs a hand through his hair, paranoid that it will be a giveaway on camera. He follows Caspar outside and resumes his vlog as though nothing has happened, looking out at the view round the back of the castle, and it is like they are in a small garden.

The Mercedes guide calls them back soon after, telling them it is their car's turn to move, so they head back to the car quietly, and Joe's heart is beating heavily, just from walking next to Caspar and he wishes he could make the feeling stop but he _can't._

Caspar reverses the car, down the path, and maybe Joe exaggerates the worry that he will fall off the edge of the cliffy edge, but a part of him is perhaps a little too worried and he is glad when he can get in the car after besides a live and well Caspar Lee five minutes later.

They drive quietly to the end of the tour, Barcelona. Joe dozes on and off but he wakes every time Caspar has to break suddenly or turns a sharp corner, as though aware of every movement Caspar makes. Joe acts happy and excited, when they reach the end of the tour and park their car, but there's a strange pain in his chest and a feeling that he doesn't want this to come to an end.

They buy food, and eat it outside, watching the boats come in and out of the harbour for a while waiting for the others to arrive. It's quiet, for a while, and Caspar nudges at Joe's foot under the table and it makes Joe's heart flutter and he hates it. He doesn't pull away though, presses his foot against his and he hates it even more then, because they're playing footsie and the realisation make Joe's stomach lurch.

When it is time to go to the airport, Joe's heart feels heavy. He sits opposite Caspar in the car on the way as though being apart will make him feel better, will make his heart hurt less but it, somehow, makes it all feel worse. and ironically, it starts to rain.

Time seems against him, as they drive to the airport because they are there before he knows it, and he doesn't want to be. He wants to be back in France, on the balcony, the sun setting and a plane soaring above them. And he wants to feel Caspar close again, hand on his waist, breath on his lips.

"It's been fun, right?" Caspar says as they sit down beside one another on the bench seats in the airport to wait for their flight.

Joe nods and for the first time in a while he is at a loss for words. Every time he is on a date, he cannot stop talking, can't bare awkward silences but everything is different around Caspar, he realises, and he doesn't know what to say, what to do.

"Joe, it won't, we won't be weird will we?" Caspar asks.

Joe looks over at him, and Caspar's eyes are so bright blue and wide and glimmering, watery. He swallows, "I don't know." He whispers, even though he meant the words to be loud and clear and strong.

Caspar's fingers press against Joe's thigh, between the small gap between them. "Would you, would you rather we forget everything?" He asks. He is so close to Joe, it is suddenly hard not to look at his lips.

Joe swallows, closes his eyes as he nods, "What happens on the road trip stays on the road trip?" Joe manages to say through a choked and croaky voice. He hates the feeling that he is about to cry, that he knows he is making a wrong decision but is too scared to make the right one.

Joe can see the pain on Caspar's face as the blonde nods, "Okay." He says, nodding and blinking hurriedly, dismissing the tears in his eyes. He looks away and they say nothing more to each other, even as they board the flight.

On the plane, Joe glances over at Caspar often, but he can feel his chest constrict every time he does and he tries to look out the window the whole flight. He never sees Caspar look at him too, but he is sure he does.

They get a taxi at the airport, and Caspar gives directions. It is so deathly silent in the taxi that the driver turns up his music as though drowning out the tension. When Joe looks over at Caspar in the car the blonde has his head on the window, earphones in despite the driver's music playing. His eyes are closed, pressed tightly together like he is in pain and trying not to cry.

They reach Caspar's place first. The sky has become dark as it is late and it has started to rain. _Typical_ Joe thinks but he isn't sure if that is because it's reflecting his feelings of because it always rains in England. Caspar thanks the driver as he leaves, and he glances at Joe, forces a weak smile as their eyes meet,

"I'll see you soon?" Caspar asks him.

Joe just nods.

When they drive away from Caspar's place Joe's chest is like burning, and he looks out the window at the rain as the driver turns down the music.

"Are you okay?" The driver asks him quietly, "Did you two fight?"

Joe shuffles in the chair, sits up, "Not exactly." He says. He doesn't wish to tell him, but his feels like he may explode if he says nothing, will just burst into tears.

"You should talk to him, you know?" The driver says after a minute or so, "I don't know what happened but you seem to care about one another and you both looked-"

"You don't know anything about us." Joe says through clenched teeth, suddenly in a panic and wave of anger which may have begun as fear.

"I don't need to." The driver says. His voice is so calm Joe almost relaxes himself. "What did happen, if you didn't fight?"

They turn down Joe's road and he is suddenly desperate to leave, "Nothing." He tells him, hand on the seat belt, ready to unplug it and run.

"I doubt that." He says.

"Just stop." Joe snaps as they pull up outside Joe's apartment block. He undoes his seat belt, opens the door, "You don't understand any of it so just leave it, okay?" But maybe, Joe thinks, he himself does not understand any of it either.

"Alright." The man says, "Can you manage to get your bag out the back or would you like-"

"I've got it." Joe cuts him off, leaving the car and closing the door with a slam. He goes to the boot, takes his small suitcase out with bold and messy movements that cause the case to whack against his legs as he takes it out. He winces but ignores the pain. "Thanks for the ride." He manages to say to the driver before slamming the boot shut and walking towards the building, scrabbling for his keys in his pocket.

He is a little damp when he gets inside, shakes his hair free of rain drops when he gets in the lift. He catches his reflection in the shine of the lift doors, feels his heart sink because he looks as though he has been crying, and he looks fucking tired.

He doesn't even think about vlogging when he gets inside, and it is late so he doesn't check to see if Byron's awake. He stumbles up the stairs, struggling with his case but trying to be quiet so as not to disturb Byron. He makes it eventually, lets out a sob as he collapses onto his bed. He is so choked with feelings, so dizzy with memories and thoughts and regret. He screws up the bed sheets in his hands, grips it tightly as he cries, trying to hold it in because _Joe Sugg doesn't cry_. But Joe Sugg has never felt like this either, and he feels like he is drowning and on fire all at once and he hates it.

He hates how the lady in the sweetshop thought they were married, he hates how Caspar smiled at him, he hates how they kissed on the balcony, he hates how they kissed in the castle, he hates how they agreed to forget he hates, he hates and he hates how he feels right now, all congested and broken and like he'd lost a whole half of him.

He sleeps eventually, though he doesn't know how.


	2. Aftermath

For the following few days after the road trip, Joe spends time back in Wiltshire. He wants to clear his head, and maybe it is awful, but he thinks a trip back home could trick him into thinking everything that happened was some wild dream. Then maybe, just maybe, he can forget about it, like they said they should, and then he and Caspar can go back to before. It doesn't work though, because he has to end the vlog back home, and then he has to edit it, and he can't get the thoughts of the balcony in France out of his head, and yes, spending time with everyone for his Granddad's birthday helped but, Caspar is still at the back of his mind, and he wonders if Caspar is thinking of him to, if Caspar misses him at all. Caspar does not message him, but then again, he doesn't message Caspar either, for some reason the thought of talking to him makes his heart feel tight and heavy.

When he gets back to his own apartment, he invites Oli round, along with some girls they know, because maybe that will help take his mind off things. But then Oli invites Josh, of course, and Josh invites Caspar, because they are best friends and they _are roommates_ now. Joe thinks back to when it were he and Caspar that were roommates, he and Caspar who would go everywhere together like they are one person. He misses that, misses when they were like one person, and not like two empty shells, separate and strangely alone. He thought he was lonely, when he moved out, that's why he let Byron stay, really, but, he never fills the gap that Caspar seemed to have left.

So Oli and Josh and Caspar all roll up at Joe and Byron's one early evening, a few girls behind them. They play beer pong in Joe's garden area, boys v girls. Joe and Caspar stand beside one another but they don't speak. Joe films Caspar for his Instagram, and Caspar smiles, all up close to the camera and it makes Joe's heart feel like bursting and he knows why, suddenly and he hates it. Because the road trip was real, and what happened really did happen and the feelings were real and had nothing to do with the wine and nothing to do with nostalgia and nothing to do with being on holiday. Instead it has everything to do with his heart and Caspar's smile and the way Caspar had touched him and kissed him.

"I'm going to get refills" Joe stammers after a few moments of thoughts spinning through his mind, heading towards the balcony doors.

"But it's your turn Joe!" Josh argues.

"You take it." He calls back, turning in the house and drawing the curtain across the doors because his heart is beating so heavily that he knows he is panicking and he doesn't want the others to see.

He reaches the kitchen, scrabbles about in the fridge, shaking hands taking out bottles and bottles of beer, clinking them together as he places them carelessly on the worktop.

"Joe."

It's Caspar, walking towards him after closing the door to outside, and reclosing the curtain. He makes it quickly to Joe, gently reaches over and prizes a bottle of beer from his cold hands. He places it softly with the others on the counter.

"Caspar, I am fine." Joe says, flinching his hand away from where one of Caspar's still hovers, skin brushing together. He turns and slams the fridge shut a little too hard.

"No, you're not, Joe." Caspar's voice is gentle and it makes the hairs on Joe's arms prickle. "Calm down."

Joe shakes his head, his mind still like a whirlwind. He closes his eyes. "I'm perfectly calm."

"And that's why you just took every beer out the fridge when we only need like, three?"

Joe sighs, but his breath is shaky and ragged.

"Joe, buddy-"

"Don't. Don't call me that." Joe snaps, stepping away a little.

Caspar stops, looks at him, "Why? Because of the things we are meant to be forgetting?"

Closing his eyes, Joe's hand grabs the side of the work top to keep him steady, "Maybe." He says, "We can't talk about this." He goes to pick up some of the bottles.

"But Joe that's just it." Caspar says, voice calm but assertive, causing Joe to pause, "We aren't talking at all."

 _Because,_ Joe thinks, _How can I forget what happened when you are right in front of me_. "Cas... you agreed to forgetting so can we just-"

"I agreed to forgetting, yes, but not pretending the other doesn't exist." He replies, stepping a little closer. Joe looks up at him, but doesn't move away.

"Well, you never texted me either." He points out.

"Don't you get it Joe? It hurts, that you want to forget. I'm only agreeing to because, because..."

"Because what?" Joe is genuinely curious, and maybe he has moved closer too but no one needs to know that.

Caspar closes his eyes for a moment, breathes, "Because _you_ said so, what happened on the road trip stays on the road trip because that's what _you_ said you wanted, and, Joe, _fuck_ I'd do anything you asked me to, and yes, it hurt, so much, I couldn't bare to speak to you."

"Caspar." Joe knows it shouldn't be like this, Caspar doing everything he asks of him. But it always has, he realises, and he wonders when Caspar begun to notice and how it took himself so long.

"Forget it. Actually forget, this time, forget us." Caspar turns to walk away, takes a few steps before Joe grabs his wrist, tugs him back a few steps so they are pressed against one another a little.

"No." Joe says, "Don't be ridiculous, Cas, we _work_ together, we can't just pretend _we_ don't exist."

"Who cares, Joe, you think work is all that's held us together. You think that's important right now?"

Joe swallows. He doesn't know. Not anymore. Everything is a mess but he knows Caspar can't go, not now. And he can't forget him. Maybe he doesn't want to because he will miss Caspar. A world without him is dull and grey and lonely, and he can't bare it. He stands on tiptoes, moving closer before he can stop himself, pulls Caspar's head down until they are kissing.

Caspar is unmoving for a few moments, like he can't believe Joe is kissing him, and then he moves his lips, hurriedly, turning Joe around to press him into the counter. Hands seem to be everywhere, Joe manages to notice as his brain swirls and screams, but it doesn't matter, because Caspar is warm and close and right where he wants him and he wants this, he realises. They kiss for a while, hard and desperate, and Joe is thinking then about what this would possibly mean for them. They can't have a relationship like this, with all their friends and fans and the media and their channels-

He pushes Caspar away as he gasps for air. When his eyes open, Caspar is leaning against his fridge, watching him nervously, like he doesn't know what Joe will do. For a while Joe's doesn't know either.

"We mustn't." Joe says, voice so small, cracking as he speaks. He hates that he feels scared, feels pathetic.

He doesn't give Caspar time to respond, grabs a few of the bottles on the worktop, hurries outside with them, plastering on a smile and handing out the drinks. And when Caspar joins him a moment later, no one asks what took so long and no one asks why they do not look at one another for the rest of the evening.

 

It is late when the others leave. Some of them are a little tipsy and loud as they leave but some remain completely sober.

"Thanks for tonight Joe." One of the less tipsy girls tells Joe as she hangs back from her friends.

"You're welcome." Joe says, smiling, expecting her to leave.

She stays still, unmoving from where she stands at the bottom of the stairs by the door. "I saw you." She says quietly after a while, "In the kitchen, with Caspar."

Joe's breath catches in his throat and he looks at her wide eyes, unsure what to say. "What, but, I closed the curtain. We aren't, it's complicated, we never-"

He is glad when the girl cuts him off with a small laugh, "It's okay." She assures him, "I was going to go and help you but when I pulled back the curtain I saw.. you know. I figured you didn't really know what you are both doing when you didn't look at one another for the rest of the night. I didn't tell anyone, and I won't."

Joe swallows, nods, "Right. Thanks."

They stand there for a while, before the girl nods and hurries towards the door. She pauses and turns back before she leaves, "You should talk to him." She says, and then she opens the front door, walks out. She passes Byron as she goes leave, thanks him too. Then she is gone.

"You okay?" Byron asks as he closes the door.

"Yeah." Joe says, forcing a smile, "I'm, going to bed I'm exhausted." He stumbles up the stairs, hearing Byron calling goodnight behind him. He doesn't reply though, because his heart feels like it is swimming and sinking, slowly, and it is hard to breathe without wanting to cry.

 

 He doesn't speak to Caspar for the next few days either, until Caspar messages him and Byron, asking them to be in a video. Joe isn't sure what Caspar thinks he is playing at, because really, a video, together, with _this_ awkward tension between them, and with Caspar's words- _forget us_ \- ringing in his ears it seems contradictory to say the least. But Joe doesn't decline the offer, perhaps that is the test, whether Joe will just ignore it. Although then again, if he does decline, Byron will surely wonder why and that is almost certainly worse than a little bit of tension.

So they end up around Caspar's (and Josh's, Joe reminds himself begrudgingly) the next day. Joe feels a little nervous and apprehensive about the video, and not just because of the tension but because it is a _fortune teller_ and there is a chance that she is actually real and will read whatever the _fuck_ is going on between he and Caspar and it makes him a little worried. Hell, what if this is Caspar's plan all along, a clairvoyant to tell him how he feels. He knows it is farfetched but his mind feels all over the place and his chest is tight and strained.

It is Josh who answers the door, another reminder that Caspar had happily replaced him with his real best friend, leaving Joe as, what, a friend with benefits, maybe. The fortune teller sits on the sofa, talking quickly to Caspar who sits beside her. Joe can feel it in his stomach, a buzz, as though a phone is on vibrate in there, when he sees Caspar. Caspar sees him at the same time, and there is a moment of eye contact that makes it almost hard to breathe. And he can't believe he feels like this, over Caspar.

Caspar stands, introducing he and Byron to the fortune teller, and they shake her hands, have a little joke about something Joe isn't really paying attention to. He keeps snatching little glances at Caspar, watching how he smiles and how he laughs and how his eyes crinkle when he does. He sits beside Joe for the video, hand behind his back, fingers brushing against his t-shirt but not really touching him. It makes it hard to concentrate.

Of course she asks to assess their love lives, or whatever, and it makes it hard for Joe to breathe, when he gives her hand, because she has got a lot of stuff right, so what if, what she works it all out, and just comes out with it, in-front of Byron and in front of Josh. But of course she mentions nothing of the sort, uses female pronouns and helps Joe's world to steady again.

After an hour, or two, Joe is uncertain, the fortune teller gets up to leave. Caspar shows her to the door, thanking her. Joe watches, brows furrowing when they start to talk in hushed tones, he looks away from them and back at Josh and Byron.

 

"Caspar, before I go." The fortune teller says quietly, "You need to talk to him." She glances over towards where Joe sits on the sofa, and Caspar looks too, heart in his throat.

Caspar looks back at her, "I don't know what you mean." He lies.

"You do. You love him." She tells Caspar, and Caspar cannot help but look over again, as Joe talks to Josh intently, "And that's oka-"

"I know it's okay." Caspar snaps his head back to look at her, his chest feels full, and pressured, and he closes his eyes for a moment.

"He feels the same." The clairvoyant reassures him, "You should talk to him."

And Caspar knows he _should_ but he is unsure if he can, because Joe is confused, and scared, and seemingly desperate to avoid ever talking about it, and he has sort of accepted it now.

"How can you have _read_ this?" Caspar asks eventually, suddenly vowing to never underestimate a fortune teller ever again.

"Oh honey." She replies, softly, "This isn't fortune telling. This is just having eyes and using them."

 _"_ Oh." Caspar says, finding that he is blushing, "Oh."

The fortune teller simply smiles, "Talk to him." She turns, and opens the door for herself, and then her voice is loud and cheery again, "Bye everyone, thank you for having me!"

There is a chorus of goodbyes and thank yous from the other three in the room, and then she is gone.

 

Joe feels too awkward to just up and leave immediately, and so he stays, politely, as Caspar makes drinks and they watch some sport pressed together on the sofa, Joe on the end, one thigh against the arm rest, the other, pressed into Caspar's, and the heat of his body makes Joe's breath a little faster. He's not really into the game, it's rugby, he knows that, but the teams playing are unimportant to him, and the feel of Caspar's thigh against his, arm over his shoulders, sides bumping occasionally. It is hard to focus on anything else.

"I'm just, going to the loo." Joe stammers, sliding himself out the small space he had been wedged in, and hurrying out the room. He feels shaky, and warm and sort of tense when he shuts the bathroom door. It is certainly cooler in the bathroom, and he leans against the small clear wall of tiles just to cool down. He leans his head against them, closes his eyes and wonders what kind of overlord-supernatural-God had decided he should have _feelings_ for his best friend like this.

He steps away from the wall, over to the sink and runs the cold water, staring at himself in the mirror. He wanders what this makes him, who this makes him, because suddenly he is thinking about all his other friends, growing up, and other boys, and now he isn't sure what to think of himself and it terrifies him. Closing his eyes, he lets out a breath, and winces when his hands touch the flow of water in the sink because it has been running long enough to become freezing cold. He splashes some on his face and turns off the tap, rubbing his hands together because they feel almost numb.

He knows he has to go back out there, sit pressed up against Caspar until the end of the rugby game and he doesn't know if he can. He closes his eyes again, cannot bare to look at his reflection because he barely recognises the person looking back at him. He takes a breath, turns to the door, unlocks it and opens it. He has to go back out there.

As he leaves, he feels his arm being grabbed and pulled backwards. "Woah-" he stumbles backwards, dragged, until he is in a room, and the door shuts behind them. He glances down at the finger marks on his arm.

"Shit, sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." It's Caspar's voice, rushing from the door and over to him, suddenly close, all hot breath and body heat and hands on Joe's arms that makes his body feel funny.

"It's fine." Joe says, snatching his arm back from Caspar's hold and holding his other hand over it, across his body. Then he stands up straighter, "Caspar we can't be in here together for ages, what will they think, they're gonna-" He turns and heads to the door.

"Joe." Caspar puts his fingers lightly, this time, onto Joe's shoulder. It's enough to make Joe pause, "I just want to talk, we're allowed to talk."

Joe takes a breath, exhales it and turns, slowly around, from facing the door. He looks across at Caspar, close but not too much. And _god_ when did Caspar start making him feel so... _so_. He can feel it in his stomach, in his chest, in his throat, little, fine, fluttering sparks. He can't really explain it. it is like his mind has stopped working, or something.

"We can't talk." Joe manages to croak out. Only he doesn't move back to the door, stays still where he is, looking at Caspar, feeling as though his heart is in his throat.

"No, we can. And we should and we must, Joe." Caspar rambles, edging closer, relaxing as Joe does not move away, "We can't go on like this forever."

Joe knows that. But he could just pretend for another day that they _can_ not talk about this forever. Because he is uncertain whether he can really do this. He looks up at Caspar silently, waiting for him to speak first because he has no clue what to say.

Caspar nods, closes his eyes and purses his lips together, like he is a little nervous too. Then he opens his eyes again, looks at him, holds his eyes, "Joe, I'm in love with you."

He says it so softly, so easily and Joe can feel his whole body ceasing function, for a moment. It is like the whole world has stopped and the only thing continuing is his mind, racing around and around in panic is love. He could get used to maybe _like_ or, _having feelings for_ Caspar, but Love? _Caspar is in love with him_. He doesn't know what he is meant to say to that, if he is meant to say anything here at all.

"I'm not... asking for you to say it back and we all live happily ever after." Caspar tells him, and he plasters a smile through his nerves. "But, I think you feel something, too, and I can't ignore it anymore."

Joe leans back against the door, as though needing the support of it as he processes all of Caspar's words. _Caspar Lee is in love with him_. And somehow, that sentence sounds so great.

"How long have you been... y'know-" _in love with me_ , Joe adds internally, unable to utter the words out loud. They are too deep and too real and too insane, just thinking about them.

Caspar shrugs, "I can't remember."

Joe just looks at him, doesn't quite believe him.

Caspar nods, "Before we moved out, happy?"

That is a long time ago now. Over-two-years kind of long time and it makes Joe feel weirdly sick, "But, all those dates, girlfriends..."

"I didn't think you felt it too." Caspar answers, as though it explains it all.

Joe closes his eyes. He wonders when he _did_ start feeling it too. He never noticed it before the road trip, but maybe he purposely tried not to. He remembers Caspar's girlfriends, how he could never look them in the eye, how he never really liked any of them, tried to avoid them. And then he wonders why he didn't realise, sooner, when Caspar _felt it_. He leans his head back against the door.

"Every time you smile at me." He says, looking at the ceiling, not at Caspar, "Every time you speak when it is just us, and you’re saying sweet things in that soft voice. Every time you do something just because I mentioned it. Every time I think you would do anything for me, and how crazy I thought it was." He finally looks back at Caspar, who's smiling, only a little, "How did I not realise?"

Caspar shrugs, steps closer to him, "I sort of love how you never realised." He says and it makes Joe feel funny, all heart skipping a beat sort of funny. "And I sort of love how you smile, your eyes crinkle, you know that? You look like the sun. I sort of love your lips, no okay, I really love them, soft and small and kissable. And I love your nose-" To prove his point he nudges against it with his own, then stays there, touching and near, "The perfect height for me to kiss it."

"Caspar." Joe says, and he means it almost sternly but it comes out as a desperate whisper because his mind has forgotten how to truly function. The word love is spinning, spinning around like it is stuck on a fair ground ride. _Love, love, love_ , in Caspar's voice, round and round, voice hollow and echoing, over and over.

"What?" Caspar is smiling soft of goofily, like he can't stop because they are up close and Caspar must have dreamed about telling him all this since they lived together. And... _god_ it was so long ago now, yet it feels like yesterday.

He can't remember what he was going to say, to Caspar, after saying his name, maybe he wasn't planning on saying anything. He looks at him. Caspar is all out of focus, a blur like an artist's thumb has smeared all the wet paint. But he loves it, loves that Caspar's lips are near his nose, breathing puffs of air against him, and he loves how he hadn't even realised Caspar is holding his waist and his arms are around Caspar's neck. They could slow dance. He loves blinking down at Caspar's mouth, which is grinning slightly, turned up at the edges and he loves that smile. And then Caspar leans down, rubs their noses together and he loves that too. And then love is dancing through his mind again, excited and making him pull Caspar closer.

Suddenly, they're kissing. And Joe can feel it inside, like someone lit a candle and it's warmth spreads across his body, and he feels the flickers of the flame bounce below his stomach, against his chest, up his throat. It's strange, but a good strange, a nice strange, and it makes him pull Caspar closer, hand in his hair, and they kiss and they kiss. Joe is kissing a boy, and the boy he is kissing is in love with him. And it all sounds good and perfect and wonderful and amazing, and all those other adjectives because one alone cannot describe this. It's just that Caspar's lips are soft. And they're warm. And Caspar knows exactly where to put his hands and exactly how to tilt his face to deepen the kiss. And he knows how to run his tongue against his lips and it's all just perfect.

Out of breath, they part lips, but their foreheads are still touching, and Caspar is smiling so much it makes Joe smile too.

"I think the others will be wondering where we are." Joe says after a few moments, gently pushing Caspar away.

"Joe." Caspar says his name like a sigh on his lips. And there is something about the way he says it, so gentle, so fond, that it catches Joe off guard. "Don't just leave and go back to avoiding me."

Joe wants to say that he was not going to do that, but it would be a lie. He nods, slowly, "I'm sorry." He reaches his hand up around Caspar's neck, thumb on Caspar's cheek. It's a new kind of touch and it feels sort of weird, but not bad weird, just, sort of, different.

"It's okay." Caspar replies. And the softness in his eyes makes Joe wonder how he never knew it was love. Caspar leans down and quickly steals another, brief kiss from his lips. "You're right, we should go back." Joe nods.

 

They head back into the sitting room together, and Caspar makes up some excuse about having to take a phone call about their upcoming management company. Josh and Byron seems to buy it. The rest of the rugby match is easier to focus on, like Joe's mind is clearer, all of a sudden. And Caspar's arm around his waist, thigh against thigh, doesn't make it difficult to breath, but instead seems to balance the world.

He lets himself lean against Caspar, and he thinks back to the evening in France, and the way they kissed and the way they curled up into one another in the bed when they fell asleep. He looks back on it all as though remembering a dream. He can't believe it is all real, that he let Caspar kiss him, in France, and in Spain and in his kitchen, and in Caspar's bedroom just minutes ago. He can't believe he wants Caspar to kiss him _again_.

He doesn’t entirely know what they are both doing. Not really. But he does know that Caspar loves him, for some reason. And he does know that he feels something too. And he knows they can work this out. Eventually. And right there, Caspar pressed all up against him, he knows he has a lot to look forward to. And he knows they’ll both be okay.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So it began more fluffy than I expected but ended angsty enough lol. Hope you enjoyed this, there will be a part two in which they start to patch it all up and fix it all, and will link to things that happened (through their insta stories and videos). That should be up soon, but I hoped you enjoyed this, I wish it went up earlier but I had exams and stuff. Hope you enjoyed :)


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